- me *holds up nightlight*: say something new, i have nothing left, I CAN'T FACE THE DARK WITHOUT YOUUUUUU
i’m such a catch it’s insane
sooo my boyfriend (of almost 2 months - yeah i know solid effort kthx) reluctantly informed me that he has 16 pictures of me on his phone. he’s like “yeah i know it’s creepy…” i was just like “i’m not creeped out i just don’t see the use in having so many” he’s like “whatever you’re my girlfriend” i’m like “yeah, well, how many did you have before we were together. see, no excuse” (‘cause i knew he had a few before) he’s all “not 16 that’s for sure but i was crushing then so yes excuse” so of course i pulled a really perfect move and went, “…not 16, but more than 0. okay so crushing is an excuse so that means me following you home isn’t stalking and it’s not creepy it’s just a crush right or no”
“…not comparable”
“comparable.”
“not at ALL”
“i say it’s comparable and so that’s the end it’s comparable now go drink some apple juice or something idk”
“………..”
”:)”
wow he got himself a catch.
‘unfollowers’ backwards is ‘srewollofnu’ which sounds like “screw all of you”
coincidence i THINK NOT
(Source: h4rrlol)
there’s a special place in hell reserved just for me
it’s called the throne
oh my god my dad just went out to walk the dog and he must have got halfway down the street and then he just came back and I was like “what’s the matter” and he just said really quietly “i forgot the dog” and my dog was just siTTING BY THE DOORSTEP WITH HIS LEASH ON LOOKING REALLY SAD kOMFGYOD
fun prank:
buy a real handgun and paint the nozzle tip bright orange so it looks like a plastic toy gun. pick a fight with a thug. pull out the gun. he will laugh. shoot him. he will die(side note: you will be arrested for this)
When I have the sex talk with my kids I’m just going to tell them to follow the basic rule
“If your age is on the clock, you’re too young for the cock”
yeah, and when my kid turns thirteen imma go,
“Sit back down, I was talking about military time.”
